I dedicate this post to Annie.
Some of you know already that things have not been quite right with me since I got back from China. Internally, I mean. Things with my digestive system.
The embarrassing truth is that nothing has been functioning properly since I left for Beijing. Now that I think about it, I had the stomach flu (hours and hours of barfing) for three days before I left for Beijing, so we might as well lump that week in there, too. Let's just say, that since late May my innards have not been performing up to par. Vomiting, pain, every kind of poo-related problem you can think of... You get the drift.
Last weekend/Monday was another round. Dave, and my wish to remain employed, finally convinced me that this was not something that could continue to go ignored. I went to the doctor for a physical. She ran a lot of tests. Some of them are still in process. Let me tell you more!
I had heard of people having to give stool samples, but never really got into the logistics of it with anyone. My doctor decided they need to do three separate tests on my poop. At this point, I can't remember what each will test for because I was so distracted in a completely horrified way by the instructions for processes that I have to get through to provide the samples they need.
Test #1: Fill pomade-sized tub with poop. Nothing can touch the poop before it goes in the tub. Put the lid on the tub, and then put the tub in the provided ziplock bag. Then, get a second ziplock bag and fill it with ice and the first ziplock bag. Bring iced-up poo to the lab immediately after the sample is collected.
Test #2: This test involves three large-pill-bottle-sized jars, each half full of clear liquid that is supposedly preservative of some sort. Each jar has a line at the top. Fill each jar with poo until the clear liquid reaches the line. Be sure to include any portions of poo that might be "slimy" or bloody. Put the lid on each and return to the lab.
Test #3 (my personal favorite): Do not eat red meat or uncooked vegetables for three days. On the fourth day, a sample of poo must be smeared on a specific area of a small plastic card. There are smear areas for the fifth and sixth days, as well. This test requires three separate smears from three separate days worth of poo. No red meat or uncooked veggies can be consumed until the entire test is done.
I'm not making any of this up.
Some things I would like you to consider:
How am I to accomplish all of this pooing in jars, smearing of poo, and running to the lab to drop off samples while I am supposed to be at the office all day? Do I carry that poo smear card in my purse with me, so I can break it out at the right time?
I don't have a car. The only option I have is to ferry my poo back and forth on MUNI.
Should I invest in some poo-manipulating instruments? How exactly does one go about collecting the correct amounts and smearing in an orderly and hygenic fashion?
Surmising that I was so sick in Las Vegas that I wiped out all my internal linings, my doctor has also forbid me from eating any dairy products for the next month. Apparently, it takes about four months for a body to heal its linings and dairy is ultra irritating to them -- it hinders the process. As a result, in the last two days I have learned that my normal diet consists entirely of red meat, raw vegetables, and dairy products.
I have not made a final decision on whether or not to go through with these tests. I just don't know if I can make it happen. Not because I'm grossed out, which I definitely am, but more because I can't handle dedicating the necessary 12 plus hours it's going to take me to collect all these samples properly.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
Will Annie really like this? Her rationale for poop talk is usually "Everybody does it! It brings people together! We are the world we are the children!" (or something?). But what you just described is so clinical and alien that nobody can relate. It's lonely at the top (in the bottom?).
PS: This post made my morning. Possibly day depending on whether it gets sunny and what bar we pick for happy hour. But definitely morning.
Also, this should be your new headline:
"I was so sick in Vegas that I wiped out all my internal linings."
i second linda on this. i've never had to schmear...i've seen pooh schmears - usually under briges on the sidewalk...but they've never been mine.
this WILL however make for a funny story for you. just reading it made me laugh. so while i may not be the person telling the credit card pooh swipe and the baggies of pooh on muni (though, someone i know has experience poohing into a tupperware when their toilet didnt work, maybe he/she has some advice to share? ) i think under the right circumstances, will provide hours of laughter
I had to provide a sample once. I shipped it UPS from my works shipping dept. to the Dr.'s office. I was horrified that my manager, who was setting up the delivery, would find out what was in the box.
Everybody poops.
For more thoughts and info on poop, there is this http://www.heptune.com/poop.html
Who knows where to download XRumer 5.0 Palladium?
Help, please. All recommend this program to effectively advertise on the Internet, this is the best program!
Post a Comment