Nothin' like a good posting about poop

I dedicate this post to Annie.

Some of you know already that things have not been quite right with me since I got back from China. Internally, I mean. Things with my digestive system.

The embarrassing truth is that nothing has been functioning properly since I left for Beijing. Now that I think about it, I had the stomach flu (hours and hours of barfing) for three days before I left for Beijing, so we might as well lump that week in there, too. Let's just say, that since late May my innards have not been performing up to par. Vomiting, pain, every kind of poo-related problem you can think of... You get the drift.

Last weekend/Monday was another round. Dave, and my wish to remain employed, finally convinced me that this was not something that could continue to go ignored. I went to the doctor for a physical. She ran a lot of tests. Some of them are still in process. Let me tell you more!

I had heard of people having to give stool samples, but never really got into the logistics of it with anyone. My doctor decided they need to do three separate tests on my poop. At this point, I can't remember what each will test for because I was so distracted in a completely horrified way by the instructions for processes that I have to get through to provide the samples they need.

Test #1: Fill pomade-sized tub with poop. Nothing can touch the poop before it goes in the tub. Put the lid on the tub, and then put the tub in the provided ziplock bag. Then, get a second ziplock bag and fill it with ice and the first ziplock bag. Bring iced-up poo to the lab immediately after the sample is collected.

Test #2: This test involves three large-pill-bottle-sized jars, each half full of clear liquid that is supposedly preservative of some sort. Each jar has a line at the top. Fill each jar with poo until the clear liquid reaches the line. Be sure to include any portions of poo that might be "slimy" or bloody. Put the lid on each and return to the lab.

Test #3 (my personal favorite): Do not eat red meat or uncooked vegetables for three days. On the fourth day, a sample of poo must be smeared on a specific area of a small plastic card. There are smear areas for the fifth and sixth days, as well. This test requires three separate smears from three separate days worth of poo. No red meat or uncooked veggies can be consumed until the entire test is done.

I'm not making any of this up.

Some things I would like you to consider:

How am I to accomplish all of this pooing in jars, smearing of poo, and running to the lab to drop off samples while I am supposed to be at the office all day? Do I carry that poo smear card in my purse with me, so I can break it out at the right time?

I don't have a car. The only option I have is to ferry my poo back and forth on MUNI.

Should I invest in some poo-manipulating instruments? How exactly does one go about collecting the correct amounts and smearing in an orderly and hygenic fashion?

Surmising that I was so sick in Las Vegas that I wiped out all my internal linings, my doctor has also forbid me from eating any dairy products for the next month. Apparently, it takes about four months for a body to heal its linings and dairy is ultra irritating to them -- it hinders the process. As a result, in the last two days I have learned that my normal diet consists entirely of red meat, raw vegetables, and dairy products.

I have not made a final decision on whether or not to go through with these tests. I just don't know if I can make it happen. Not because I'm grossed out, which I definitely am, but more because I can't handle dedicating the necessary 12 plus hours it's going to take me to collect all these samples properly.

I hate writing papers

Because they come out sounding like this:

"Almost every manager our group spoke to during our two-week tour reported that he or she was facing the following challenges:

• A lack of leadership abilities and management skills in the local workforce. Many U.S. companies and joint ventures expressed interest in installing Chinese management in their Chinese offices, but felt they could not find qualified applicants. The only candidates with leadership abilities were either expats, or Chinese nationals returning to China after earning an education, living, and working abroad.

• An inability to get employees to work effectively as a part of a team. Some managers attributed this problem to the first generation born under the one-child policy hitting the Chinese workforce, and the lack of team sports or team-based extra-curricular activities in the highly competitive Chinese schools and universities.

• An inability to retain employees. Most managers in China seemed to now realize that offering bigger and bigger salary packages to win employees or convince them to stay in their jobs is not sustainable, and these bidding wars are in fact part of the cause of high turnover rates.

Again, when I heard the China-based managers consistently bring up these themes, I was struck by similarities with the challenges that the human resources community has been facing back in the U.S. American employers are now seeing an onslaught of retiring baby boomers (a population of about 76 million), and a resulting lack of employee talent, especially leadership talent. This has left U.S. employers looking to younger employees and recent college graduates to fill the gap. This group (a population of about 80 million), dubbed "Generation Y" or the "millenials" by the media, has been broadly criticized for a lack of loyalty to organizations resulting in higher turnover, a lack of leadership and independent problem solving skills, and for being self-centered -- not being team-players. These problems are truly global business issues. The list of key human resources challenges on the desks of China-based managers, could almost be the same list found on the desks of U.S.-based managers."

I remember writing a paper about a Monet painting as an undergraduate. Why didn't I appreciate that more? Argh.

Celeb gossip reactions

I just spent a couple of minutes online catching up on my celebrity gossip. Two thoughts to share:

1) It saddens me to hear that Tammy Faye Baker/Messner passed away last week. If you haven't seen The Eyes of Tammy Faye you should rent it. It's surprisingly thoughtful and interesting.

2) Why do celebrities make sex tapes of themselves? What is the purpose of these tapes? And if you're going to make a sex tape and you know you are famous, should you be shocked and upset when it goes missing or someone sells it to the media? I think not. In my mind, having the tape go missing and sold to the media so you can publicize how shocked and upset you are is pretty much the only purpose that making such a tape serves.

First book

This is the first book that will be published that I acquired in my current job. I'm excited about it! I really admire the author and her organization. Galley copies went out to the media this week and the author is starting to line up speaking engagements.

This book, which I edited and managed in my manager's absence, will also hit the shelves soon. Equally excited about it, as the author is a best-seller and already has written one book that went on to sell over a million copies. Plus, it was totally fun to work on. First time I'd edited anything novel-like professionally.

Not too sure what to make of the leaving your job theme.

Severe hit to the wallet

I just bought airline tickets to Hawaii for Thanksgiving. It was a fairly painful experience, as they cost roughly the same amount as my tickets to China (for half the distance and no free drinks since the flight isn't international!). All to be expected when traveling anywhere good for the holidays, I suppose. I was looking for the cheapest tickets available, so the flights are also with slightly sketchy airlines I found on Orbitz. I don't understand the airline industry at all, because odds are that my flight will be cancelled or delayed regardless of the fact that I spent a ton of money. And it won't matter. They might apologize, but probably not. Orbitz does make it a little bit better because they will call your cell phone in advance if the airline reports a cancellation or delay. I've already been on three flights that were cancelled this year. All different airlines. Only Orbitz called.

I may have extra bad luck when it comes to cancellations and delays. I am never on a flight that takes off and lands on time. Never. Dave won't fly with me because of it... or so I suspect. My coworkers also try to avoid it. Maybe it's a karmic thing? Hard to imagine having racked up worse karma than the airlines, though. I've never spit on anyone or kicked a pigeon.

LinkedIn is pretty awesome

I spent some time adjusting my profile today, and realized that they have really put some serious thought into how to make that site super useful. The job search and job listings are especially impressive since they are listed with specific contacts at the company and info about how exactly you are networked to that person. It's also a great resource for professional stalking, which I have to do a lot of at work. It's a step above any other networking site I've used.

Does anyone pay for the upgraded service? I'm wondering what extra bells and whistles it comes with, and whether or not it's worth $20 a month.

Send an email instead

Sometime over the last six months I have developed a slight phobia related to checking my voicemail. I hate checking my voicemail and will put it off for completely unacceptable amounts of time... days... occasionally weeks. Is it possible that in my late twenties I have acquired an entirely new social disorder?

This problem definitely started with my work voicemail, which is understandable since usually the messages waiting there for me are from someone who either makes me nervous, who I don't want to talk to, who have to say no to, or are in regard to some complicated matter that I'm not sure what to do about. Probably only 10% of the calls that come into me at work are from someone I'm excited to talk to, and because of the caller ID I pick those up, so there's no voicemail from them. Unfortunately, the phobia has now also spread to my personal voicemail. I absolutely dread checking any of it. I'm not sure why -- pretty much everyone who calls me on my personal number is someone I actually want to talk to.

Hopefully, this is a temporary phase and admitting I have a problem is the first step to recovery. Maybe I need to attack this on a behavior modification level and have everyone call and start leaving extremely positive, reinforcing messages, so I get excited about checking voicemail rather than apprehensive.

Pretty China pics

One of the guys on my China trip was a skilled photographer. He posted all of his shots here, in case you're interested in checking them out. They're kinda artsy and more interesting to look at than the usual standing-in-front-of-a-monument vacation photos.

Here's a sample:



I don't know how he got that shot, since we were banned from taking photos in that temple. Tricky guy. That buddha was about five stories tall and carved from one solid piece of sandalwood. Or maybe this was the one in the temple before that one? There were a lot of them. It's like the duomos in Tuscany. You've seen one...

It's over

Last night it was pointed out to me that Mercury is no longer in retrograde.

Knocked Up

I went to go see that Katherine Heigl/Seth Rogen movie yesterday and was pretty disappointed. Parts of it were funny, but the reviews had made it sound like it was going to be peeing-my-pants funny. It was more just a chuckle-here-and-there-and-now-I-am-for-sure-never-getting-pregnant funny. In fact, I was a little upset and grossed out when I left the movie theater. Not a lot, just enough that I wouldn't say I really enjoyed it. I still love both Katherine Heigl and Seth Rogen, though.

A tip

There should be a rule about no in-depth discussion of allergies on first dates. If you're a dude, it just makes you sound like a weenie. You have to be sure a lady is fairly smitten with you before you draw attention to any major flaw or weakness. Food allergies being a huge weakness, if you ask me. Nothing more high maintenance than a dude with food allergies.

If you can't eat cheese, then don't order cheese. Just don't talk about it. We don't want to think about your bowels coping with milk enzymes. Same for any problems involving a lot of snot. Not sexy.

Ugh

I have been hating life all week. Everything is going wrong and everyone is driving me crazy. There are four possible reasons for this:

A) PMS
B) Mercury in retrograde
C) Post-vacation blues
D) All of the above

I hope it ends soon, because I'm so pissy to be around that I'm annoying even myself.

I'll throw the panda shots up, too

There was SO much panda hype in Beijing, obviously, and I was pretty amped up about seeing the actual panda bears. I must say, they could not have been more disappointing. They all seemed to be suffering hangovers... passed out pandas. See for yourself:

Oh, and some zip line shots...

I've gotten lazy about posting any photos.

On the bus

This is the ride to the Great Wall, on my birthday. Really good way to celebrate a birthday, by the way.

An abridged email from Sally

Sent while I was traveling...

"Mom has been watching the news and wants to know if you were one of the 76 people who died in some floods they had in the Southern China. Dad and I tried to explain to her that there are about 1.3 billion people in China, so the likelihood that you were one of 76 who died in a flood is probably not very good. Anyway. She'll be glad to hear from you.

I have attached some photos from Dad's and my trip to So Cal. Pretty exciting. Despite the fact that it was 115 degrees there one day we had a great time. I like the desert. I brought home some cacti. Funny how they will let you on the plane with some really sharp plants, but I can't take my eyelash curler on board."

I want my long weekend

I'm going to go on record as saying that having Independence Day on a Wednesday is about the dumbest thing ever. As someone who has already managed to rack up a vacation-day deficit in less than a year of employment, I am incredibly bitter about being cheated out of a three-day weekend. It should be in the constitution that we have the right to a long weekend during the first week of July.

Speaking of three day weekends, I bought three plane tickets to Portland this afternoon. Yes, it's finally been arranged -- I'm taking the boys home to meet my parents. Both Dave and Sam. I must admit, I've taken a few boyfriends home to meet the parents before, and for some reason taking a kid too makes the whole thing a lot less nerve wracking and a lot more amusing. You wouldn't think it, but it's true.

Claim your shirt

Sometime back in May, Dave found a Banana Republic bag in his car. The bag has a brand new, extra small blouse in it, with the sales receipt. It was purchased with a debit card, but the receipt in the bag doesn’t list a name. After running through a list of everyone who has been in the car, neither one of us can figure out who it belongs to. No one will claim it. The other thing is, I really can’t picture anyone I know wearing it. It’s sort of a purple leopard print-esque pattern, but a very conservative, almost masculine cut.

The bag has been sitting on my dresser for weeks now, and I don’t know what to do with it. The shirt fits me, but I’d never wear it.

Overheard

A dude to his friend (also a dude), while sitting in a Noe Valley bagelry:

"So... I guess if we move here, one of us is going to have to get pregnant."