Back to school

This week is back to school for me. I've been thinking a lot about how happy and gleeful all y'all who are not headed back to school right now must be feeling. Amongst you: Turd, JT, Scotty, Julia, and all my Haas cohorts who managed to wrap up their MBA requirements last summer. How I envy you!

Actually, it's not that bad. The classes I'm taking are interesting and I dig the professors, especially the young, funny, intellectually hot one. It's just rough getting used to the 9am to 11pm work to school schedule again. After a week or two I will be so sleep deprived I won't notice it anymore. Nor will I notice that my underwear are on inside out or that I haven't checked my voicemail in eight days.

This back to school season has been a touch more exciting than years past, because my little friend Sam started kindergarten on Monday. Needless to say, it was an exciting event for all. Watching him go through the excitement of picking out a "big kid" backpack (the backpack is totally rad -- dark green camo print with florescent orange accents) and then getting the jitters the night before and deciding all the other kids would think his backpack was stupid and make fun of him for it brought back a lot memories. Being new to this de facto parenting thing, I forgot to take pictures in the morning on his first day of school (will he be able to claim negligence later in life if he doesn't have a photographic record of his first day of kindergarten?), but I do have this to offer up -- the Grattan Elementary school song...

I'm Happy

It will beat all your expectations, I promise. I think it might make the Top 40 next week.

Digestive woes continue

Things aren't getting much better inside my digestive system, but on the bright side they're not getting worse either. I think my doctor might be onto something with the no dairy plan. Those MDs -- they know stuff. I discovered this the hard way.

I woke up around 2am on Monday night to find that my roommate had just stocked up on a brand new quart of 2%, and, predictably, I fell off the wagon. I drank about half of it before I went back to bed (sorry, Nadia). It was so delicious and refreshing, and it answered every craving I'd been having for the last two and a half weeks. The milk binge did result in extreme "problems" about 12 hours later, though. As a result, I'm back to avoiding all things dairy (aka all things good).

I think I've finally grown accustomed to soy milk in coffee, but there's just no replacement for cheese. As is evidenced by the fact I've lost 15 pounds since June.

Not too shabby

A review of the first book I worked on in my current job was published in the Wall Street Journal this week.

I feel like I'm bragging about my report card

The results are in

So, I took the tests. When it came down to it, I figured I would kick myself if I walked around with a tapeworm for years because I didn't take a few disgusting and logistically difficult tests when the doctor asked me to. I will spare you further details. They all came back normal and I don't have any parasites.

I'm still on my no dairy diet, and other than that things seem to be improving. The non-dairy lifestyle has made me extremely sympathetic to the lactose intolerant (it's a miserable way to live) and extremely resentful of vegans. I can't understand why anyone would willingly choose a life without cheese. I've seen those cows running around Point Reyes, and they look well cared for and damn happy.

I read this article yesterday with extreme envy. I'd give anything for a huge glass of milk.

It got better

They made the Greendimes service (the one I wrote about that takes your name off mailing lists so you don't get random junk mail) cheaper and easier. This is from their latest newsletter:

"GreenDimes is now a $15 one time charge instead of $36 every year. None of you, our existing members, will be charged again. We also have a $5 refer-a-friend bonus and a store with new products. All of the tools we have built are still yours, but for free, forever.

We're going to monitor mail preference lists every single month to make sure your name and address are not on them. And as always, if you have questions or if you feel like you're continuing to get junk mail, contact customer service and we'll be happy to help you. Nothing has changed from a service perspective, it's just cheaper and easier than ever before."

Sweet! Makes sense to sign up for this service. It's good for you and good for the environment.

Stupid ethics

I wish it wasn't completely unethical to post some of the book proposals and emails I get everyday at work, because, man -- there is some high entertainment value there. Basically, it's all rooted in laughing at someone's genuine book idea, though, so it's pretty much evil entertainment. Arguably the best kind.

That's the thing about book publishing. It's such a fine line between being a creative genius and a complete and total nutjob. It might not even matter if you're a complete at total nutjob as long as you're a skilled self-promoter with some business sense.

Speaking of, here's a website I stumbled across today: www.animalsign.com.

Nothin' like a good posting about poop

I dedicate this post to Annie.

Some of you know already that things have not been quite right with me since I got back from China. Internally, I mean. Things with my digestive system.

The embarrassing truth is that nothing has been functioning properly since I left for Beijing. Now that I think about it, I had the stomach flu (hours and hours of barfing) for three days before I left for Beijing, so we might as well lump that week in there, too. Let's just say, that since late May my innards have not been performing up to par. Vomiting, pain, every kind of poo-related problem you can think of... You get the drift.

Last weekend/Monday was another round. Dave, and my wish to remain employed, finally convinced me that this was not something that could continue to go ignored. I went to the doctor for a physical. She ran a lot of tests. Some of them are still in process. Let me tell you more!

I had heard of people having to give stool samples, but never really got into the logistics of it with anyone. My doctor decided they need to do three separate tests on my poop. At this point, I can't remember what each will test for because I was so distracted in a completely horrified way by the instructions for processes that I have to get through to provide the samples they need.

Test #1: Fill pomade-sized tub with poop. Nothing can touch the poop before it goes in the tub. Put the lid on the tub, and then put the tub in the provided ziplock bag. Then, get a second ziplock bag and fill it with ice and the first ziplock bag. Bring iced-up poo to the lab immediately after the sample is collected.

Test #2: This test involves three large-pill-bottle-sized jars, each half full of clear liquid that is supposedly preservative of some sort. Each jar has a line at the top. Fill each jar with poo until the clear liquid reaches the line. Be sure to include any portions of poo that might be "slimy" or bloody. Put the lid on each and return to the lab.

Test #3 (my personal favorite): Do not eat red meat or uncooked vegetables for three days. On the fourth day, a sample of poo must be smeared on a specific area of a small plastic card. There are smear areas for the fifth and sixth days, as well. This test requires three separate smears from three separate days worth of poo. No red meat or uncooked veggies can be consumed until the entire test is done.

I'm not making any of this up.

Some things I would like you to consider:

How am I to accomplish all of this pooing in jars, smearing of poo, and running to the lab to drop off samples while I am supposed to be at the office all day? Do I carry that poo smear card in my purse with me, so I can break it out at the right time?

I don't have a car. The only option I have is to ferry my poo back and forth on MUNI.

Should I invest in some poo-manipulating instruments? How exactly does one go about collecting the correct amounts and smearing in an orderly and hygenic fashion?

Surmising that I was so sick in Las Vegas that I wiped out all my internal linings, my doctor has also forbid me from eating any dairy products for the next month. Apparently, it takes about four months for a body to heal its linings and dairy is ultra irritating to them -- it hinders the process. As a result, in the last two days I have learned that my normal diet consists entirely of red meat, raw vegetables, and dairy products.

I have not made a final decision on whether or not to go through with these tests. I just don't know if I can make it happen. Not because I'm grossed out, which I definitely am, but more because I can't handle dedicating the necessary 12 plus hours it's going to take me to collect all these samples properly.

I hate writing papers

Because they come out sounding like this:

"Almost every manager our group spoke to during our two-week tour reported that he or she was facing the following challenges:

• A lack of leadership abilities and management skills in the local workforce. Many U.S. companies and joint ventures expressed interest in installing Chinese management in their Chinese offices, but felt they could not find qualified applicants. The only candidates with leadership abilities were either expats, or Chinese nationals returning to China after earning an education, living, and working abroad.

• An inability to get employees to work effectively as a part of a team. Some managers attributed this problem to the first generation born under the one-child policy hitting the Chinese workforce, and the lack of team sports or team-based extra-curricular activities in the highly competitive Chinese schools and universities.

• An inability to retain employees. Most managers in China seemed to now realize that offering bigger and bigger salary packages to win employees or convince them to stay in their jobs is not sustainable, and these bidding wars are in fact part of the cause of high turnover rates.

Again, when I heard the China-based managers consistently bring up these themes, I was struck by similarities with the challenges that the human resources community has been facing back in the U.S. American employers are now seeing an onslaught of retiring baby boomers (a population of about 76 million), and a resulting lack of employee talent, especially leadership talent. This has left U.S. employers looking to younger employees and recent college graduates to fill the gap. This group (a population of about 80 million), dubbed "Generation Y" or the "millenials" by the media, has been broadly criticized for a lack of loyalty to organizations resulting in higher turnover, a lack of leadership and independent problem solving skills, and for being self-centered -- not being team-players. These problems are truly global business issues. The list of key human resources challenges on the desks of China-based managers, could almost be the same list found on the desks of U.S.-based managers."

I remember writing a paper about a Monet painting as an undergraduate. Why didn't I appreciate that more? Argh.

Celeb gossip reactions

I just spent a couple of minutes online catching up on my celebrity gossip. Two thoughts to share:

1) It saddens me to hear that Tammy Faye Baker/Messner passed away last week. If you haven't seen The Eyes of Tammy Faye you should rent it. It's surprisingly thoughtful and interesting.

2) Why do celebrities make sex tapes of themselves? What is the purpose of these tapes? And if you're going to make a sex tape and you know you are famous, should you be shocked and upset when it goes missing or someone sells it to the media? I think not. In my mind, having the tape go missing and sold to the media so you can publicize how shocked and upset you are is pretty much the only purpose that making such a tape serves.

First book

This is the first book that will be published that I acquired in my current job. I'm excited about it! I really admire the author and her organization. Galley copies went out to the media this week and the author is starting to line up speaking engagements.

This book, which I edited and managed in my manager's absence, will also hit the shelves soon. Equally excited about it, as the author is a best-seller and already has written one book that went on to sell over a million copies. Plus, it was totally fun to work on. First time I'd edited anything novel-like professionally.

Not too sure what to make of the leaving your job theme.

Severe hit to the wallet

I just bought airline tickets to Hawaii for Thanksgiving. It was a fairly painful experience, as they cost roughly the same amount as my tickets to China (for half the distance and no free drinks since the flight isn't international!). All to be expected when traveling anywhere good for the holidays, I suppose. I was looking for the cheapest tickets available, so the flights are also with slightly sketchy airlines I found on Orbitz. I don't understand the airline industry at all, because odds are that my flight will be cancelled or delayed regardless of the fact that I spent a ton of money. And it won't matter. They might apologize, but probably not. Orbitz does make it a little bit better because they will call your cell phone in advance if the airline reports a cancellation or delay. I've already been on three flights that were cancelled this year. All different airlines. Only Orbitz called.

I may have extra bad luck when it comes to cancellations and delays. I am never on a flight that takes off and lands on time. Never. Dave won't fly with me because of it... or so I suspect. My coworkers also try to avoid it. Maybe it's a karmic thing? Hard to imagine having racked up worse karma than the airlines, though. I've never spit on anyone or kicked a pigeon.

LinkedIn is pretty awesome

I spent some time adjusting my profile today, and realized that they have really put some serious thought into how to make that site super useful. The job search and job listings are especially impressive since they are listed with specific contacts at the company and info about how exactly you are networked to that person. It's also a great resource for professional stalking, which I have to do a lot of at work. It's a step above any other networking site I've used.

Does anyone pay for the upgraded service? I'm wondering what extra bells and whistles it comes with, and whether or not it's worth $20 a month.

Send an email instead

Sometime over the last six months I have developed a slight phobia related to checking my voicemail. I hate checking my voicemail and will put it off for completely unacceptable amounts of time... days... occasionally weeks. Is it possible that in my late twenties I have acquired an entirely new social disorder?

This problem definitely started with my work voicemail, which is understandable since usually the messages waiting there for me are from someone who either makes me nervous, who I don't want to talk to, who have to say no to, or are in regard to some complicated matter that I'm not sure what to do about. Probably only 10% of the calls that come into me at work are from someone I'm excited to talk to, and because of the caller ID I pick those up, so there's no voicemail from them. Unfortunately, the phobia has now also spread to my personal voicemail. I absolutely dread checking any of it. I'm not sure why -- pretty much everyone who calls me on my personal number is someone I actually want to talk to.

Hopefully, this is a temporary phase and admitting I have a problem is the first step to recovery. Maybe I need to attack this on a behavior modification level and have everyone call and start leaving extremely positive, reinforcing messages, so I get excited about checking voicemail rather than apprehensive.

Pretty China pics

One of the guys on my China trip was a skilled photographer. He posted all of his shots here, in case you're interested in checking them out. They're kinda artsy and more interesting to look at than the usual standing-in-front-of-a-monument vacation photos.

Here's a sample:



I don't know how he got that shot, since we were banned from taking photos in that temple. Tricky guy. That buddha was about five stories tall and carved from one solid piece of sandalwood. Or maybe this was the one in the temple before that one? There were a lot of them. It's like the duomos in Tuscany. You've seen one...

It's over

Last night it was pointed out to me that Mercury is no longer in retrograde.